What Angus does for a living...

Sometime co-host of The Malt and Barley Revue Angus MacRaild is a professional seeker after rare whiskies. Here's a story about him and others from The Big Issue.

At the Spirit of Speyside Festival, 2014

Splendid piece by Margaret Chrystal on the occasion of the gig at the Drouthy Cobbler, Elgin, as part of the 2014 Spirit of Speyside Festival. This was printed in the Highland News and other associated newspapers, including the John o'Groats Journal/Caithness Courier and the Lochaber News: http://www.johnogroat-journal.co.uk/Whats-On/Music/Tom-reveals-why-whisky-Scotland-01052014.htm

Tom reveals why whisky = Scotland

Written byMargaret Chrystal

Tom Morton's Malt And Barley Revue comes to Elgin.

Whisky, songs, poems and very tall tales – plus three drams to taste – make up the The Malt And Barley Show from Radio Scotland presenter, writer, musician and whisky fan Tom Morton. As well as writing a abook about his travels around the whisky distilleries of Scotland in The Spirit Of Adventure, Tom wrote a thriller last year, A Whisky In Monsterville which came with its own tasting notes for recommended whiskies while reading each chapter. Below he talks about the show – which is coming to Elgin tonight (Thursday) as part of the Spirit Of Speyside Festival – the best malt he’s ever tasted and an elusive one he’d love to try...

1 What first inspired you to think of doing a show about whisky?

Tom: The Malt And Barley Revue as it now is came out of a show called Tom Morton’s Drinking For Scotland, which was more about the Caledonian relationship with alcohol, the joys and sorrows. I’d written a couple of books about malt whisky and I liked the idea of demystifying the whole connoisseurship thing, the mumbo jumbo. First place I ever combined the tasting with the songs and poems was at Belladrum. Whisky, music, a few laughs, some tall tales...it seemed to work!

2 Did it take you long to put together the songs/poems/stories that and do you keep adding and taking away or is it a fixed core of material?

Tom: Some of those songs are 20 years old, and some were written just a month or two ago. There is a core of stuff but it varies – there’s usually a new poem every few weeks. There’s enough stuff for two hours, easily, but I think an hour and three drams is about enough for most folk.

3 Whisky and the arts – literature and song, anyway – seem to be fairly natural bedfellows. Is it the spirit itself or the many myths and rituals around it that prove most inspirational for you and the show?

Tom: I think one constant theme in the show is how whisky represents Scotland, warts and all, good and bad, merry and maudlin. I do think there’s a real magic in the making and even the naming of whisky. Even calling a dram a "wee goldie". It’s conjuring gold from almost nothing but water, barley and flame.

4 I only know of one other whisky show, so does this mean the international stage is wide open to the potential of The Malt And Barley Revue?

Tom: I think it’s maybe a wee bit too enigmatic, ambivalent, maybe, otherwise it would be a natural for the whisky after-dinner scene. I’m openly critical of some of the nonsense that’s talked by so-called "brand ambassadors" and there is a lot of rip-off selling going on – ridiculously overpriced malts in obscene, fake packaging. I’ve always had a tendency to bite the hand that feeds...or offers free drink.

Tom's thriller came with dram suggestions for each chapter.

5 Your last book, A Whisky In Monsterville, came with its own tasting notes and recommended whiskies per chapter. Should we expect a vinyl version of The Malt and Barley Revue with its own cover-mounted dram sachets any time soon?

Tom: I looked seriously at offering the book for sale with a miniature of Monsterville malt, but the cost was prohibitive. The next book in the series is called A Whisky Priest, so we’ll see.

6 Is there any whisky you know of by repute only that you would love/dread to try?

Tom: The best whisky I’ve ever tasted is the legendary 1974 Gordon and Macphail bottling of Ardbeg. I once had it straight from a barrel and it was a transformative, truly spiritual experience. There is also the mysterious Royal Household, traditionally available only at the Rodel Hotel on Harris, and some say the best blend ever. I have written a fictional account of how that connection came about, but it’s with the royal family’s lawyers. I almost won a bottle on an auction last year, but alas...

7 If there is some kind of superbeing in the sky, would it think on balance that whisky was a good or a bad thing for mankind?

Tom: Whisky comes from the Gaelic uisge Beatha, the water of life. Distillation was invented as a medicinal technique and the early distillers in Europe were all from religious orders. God loves a dram. But in moderation And never if driving.

8 Here’s a desert island dilemma for someone like yourself who loves music and whisky. Your boat is sinking and you can swim to the shore of a particularly attractive-looking, but sadly remote and deserted tropical island ie it will take some time for your loved ones to locate and rescue you. You only have one hand free as you swim ashore, so do you take either: A Music – your favourite record/CD (there will be a player handily abandoned in a safe place with power source on the island) or B Whisky – your favourite tipple in a large bottle?

Tom: Fortunately I can sing, and have a reasonable memory for songs. Also, once empty, I could use the whisky bottle to send a message asking for help. Or a jukebox.

The Malt And Barley Show is at the Drouthy Cobbler, Elgin, today Thursday (May 1) at 8pm. For more details on the Spirit Of Speyside Festival, go to: www.spiritofspeyside.com

Dundee and Falkirk gigs cancelled

Hi folks - sorry to say that I've had to cancel the Dundee and Falkirk gigs. More news soon.

Two gigs this week on the Scottish mainland, new whiskies, new songs, new guitars...

The Malt and Barley Revue hits the road again this week with gigs in Bo'Ness and Birnam, three brand new whiskies to taste, one or two new songs and a couple of guitars that fit my over-large hands rather better than the wee travel instrument I was using. Good as it was!

I'm looking forward to the show at the Bo'Ness Barony Theatre on Thursday 14 November - tickets still available. As In Birnam, (the Arts and Conference Centre) on Saturday 16 November, I'll be accompanied by Angus MacRaild from Whisky Online. Angus is a specialist in valuing old and rare whiskies, so if you have anything lying about in cupboard, cellar or loft, bring it along and he'll tell you how much it's worth!

He'll be guiding you through the delights of the three superb drams we have for your consumption. As usual, there will be songs, stories and a daft poems as well as the whisky. Oh, and signed copies of my new book A Whisky In Monsterville will be on sale - a rare chance to get hold of the print-and-paper version. Also the last few copies of Spirit of Adventure at a bargain price.

Tickets cost less than the price of three drams in a bar! Bargain!

Hope to see you there.

Peebles, Oliver Reed's chair, and a breakfast fit for heroes...

The Peebles Malt and Barley Revue gig was another chance to visit the rather beautiful town in which I once purchased a breadboard for my wife and was bought a vintage wristwatch in return.

At Villeneuve Wines with Alister and Gregg

It happened like this: Ali Wilson, aka Drumslinger, mastermind and skinbasher behind various eminent east coast bands, was at the launch of A Whisky in Monsterville in Drumnadrochit, and offered to organise an M&BR in his native town. Which he proceeded to do, brilliantly.

In Oliver Reed's chair, Crown Hotel

Thanks to Audrey at the Courthouse, and all the staff there, especially Nicola and whoever made the excellent fish and chips. Also Fay at The Crown, whose breakfasts are deservedly famous. Very nice rooms, too. I do like a high-threadcount-sheet-situation! Great to meet the legendary Evan 'Hard As Nails' Balfour, former Airdrieonian, now singing with the terrific Taylor Brothers. I see you can still buy those 'Hard As Nails' stickers from an Airdrie fan website!

Taylor Brothers: Evan, Ali, Glyn

Peebles really is a lovely and very friendly place, full of splendid pubs, shops and restaurants, including the truly impressive Villeneuve Wines, run by Alister Rae and Kenny Vannan, with help from Gregg Parker. I liked it so much a bought a bottle of Clynelish 14. It's the only small(ish) town in Scotland with an internationally-acclaimed academy for chocolatiers and pastry chefs, as far as I know.

Full Scottish at The Crown

Great crowd at the gig, and thanks too to Ian Rankin for donating a signed bottle of the 'Rebus 20' Highland Park which was auctioned for an eye-watering (but still reasonable, as they're £2500 online) £1500. It will stay in Scotland, and was bought by a Fifer!

Next Malt and Barley Revue is at Ayr Gaiety Theatre on Saturday night. We'll be tasting Some highly unusual whiskies including, dare I say it, something from...let's just say outside of Scotland. And my special guest will be whisky valuer and auction specialst, Angus MacRaild from Whisky Online.

Ali in Ollie's seat

Rutherglen videos now online!

Two audience video clips from the Rutherglen show are up on on YouTube.
-The Amateur Pharmacist's Experimental Cocktail Club (poem) 
-Whiskey in the Jar (final singalong!)

Rutherglen sellout and new dates!

Rutherglen Town Hall. Sheer poetry! Picture by Stewart Cunningham/Great Scot Photography

The Caramel Log/single malt combination moment

Jon Beach of Fiddler's in Drumnadrochit. Some whisky. And Tom

The drams featured in A Whisky in Monsterville. Or a few of them

The Malt and Barley Revue is an hour-long performance of songs, stories and poems by Tom Morton, all about Scotland and whisky. With detours to Ireland and Japan.

Funny, informative, laced with tragedy and tall tales, you may find yourself singing about steamboats or along with murderous highwayman, munching a very scratchy sweetmeat or wondering how on earth the Mother of Japanese Whisky came from Kirkintilloch.

You will certainly be sipping three of finest whiskies in the world, and wondering if it could possibly be true that one of them is English...

Hear some of the songs and dialogue here:

and also here

Gigs coming up:

Glusstonberry Festival, Gluss, Shetland, 21 July
Belladrum Festival (Verb Garden)  2/3 August 2013. With Jon Beach, and with launch of new book A Whisky in Monsterville.
Gaiety Theatre, Ayr, 14 September 2013
Bo'ness, 14 November 2013
Birnam, 16 November 2013
Dundee, 27 February

Slainte mhath, legal liquid drug dealers of Scotland!

I gave up drinking for 31 days, once. Made a radio programme out of it. And then I went back to my Friday night red wine, my couple of whiskies a week, my beer and skittles. Without the skittles..

The occasional binge, too, in the sense of combining beer, wine and whisky in doses calculated to leave me slumped in an armchair, dribbling and snoring while Jools Holland once again elbows his mediocre piano into some hapless, desperate performer's arrangement. Later. And later, and later, and later...

But in Caledonian terms, my binges do disservice to the word. I am, to put it mildly, a lightweight these days when it comes to booze. I hate, always hated being drunk, and now, when I find myself in social gatherings where alcohol is being taken, I usually safeguard my exit route before even beginning to imbibe. I ensure there's a way home, or out, and when the boredom begins to seep through, when dehydration starts to sandpaper the thrapple, I make my excuses and leave. Or switch to Ribena.

I hang out with connoisseurs, sometimes. People who drink professionally, or who, to be more precise, describe whiskies for a living. Indeed, I have done this myself, though I always have to fight back the giggles, as there's something essentially ridiculous about the striving to differentiate single malts, one from Glen t'other. Yes, they are different, but in the way grades of heroin and cocaine are different. The taste is not the point of whisky. It's meant to do a job on you, enliven, inebriate, dull, destroy. Like Keith Richards' obsessive hailing of Merck pharmaceutical 'fluffy' cocaine in his recent autobiography. Push comes to sniff, dirty lumps of Bolivian or Columbian crack or factory-made Swiss snow are drugs that deliver the same message to heart, brain and body. Whisky is a delivery vehicle for alcohol.

They are, for the most part, lovely folk, the dope dealers of the whisky trade. They are more than respectable, occasionally hilarious, often charming. It's an area of Scottish life absolutely awash with money, and the marketing of uisge beatha has always been cutting edge, from the days of Tommy Dewar onwards. Doubtless he would have been happy to be called a brand ambassador. Maybe not an evangelist.

Whisky is now so suffused with lore, mythology tall tales, anal-retentive male compulsions and downright bullshit that you'd think it was some kind of art. It's not. It's a drug, disguised for its many niche and mass markets in the form of a social badge, a collector's trophy, a mind-blowing display of wealth (silver, gold, platinum and diamonds encrusting a bottle? You got it) a signifier of coolness, of belonging.

Expertise has become the latest marketing tool. Whisky clubs and societies have sprung up worldwide, whisky festivals (I admit it. I participate. I talk phenols and oakiness, caramel and esters, washbacks and mash tuns. I judge whisky competitions, for goodness' sake) see wise heads, young and old, slurping and nodding over rarities in hotel function suites. Notes are taken, words are slurred, stairs fallen down. A great deal of fun is had. Money changes hands. Lots and lots of money. Mantras? Excess is good. Greed is good. throw the cork away. Moderation is for sissies.

Elsewhere, the same companies slosh alcopops and factory-made sweet spirits into underage bellies. industrial scale drinking is encouraged at the annual alcofest-with-music that is Pee in the Dark, or T in the Park. Scotland goes out on a Friday and gets rat-arsed, crashes cars, kills pedestrians, freezes to death in a park. Slashes, burns, abuses, fights, smashes, damages. Does the same again on Saturday. Maybe a a few Smirnoff Ices on a Sunday to ease the way back into work on a Monday. Or just miss Monday out, why not? Internationally, countries in Africa, Asia and the Americas are targeted. Drink this, it'll make you...richer, more attractive, it'll make you belong. One glass makes you bigger, one glass make you small...

Hey, let's not forget the weans. Foetal alcohol syndrome, anyone? Och, how can you have sex anyway if you aren't pished? Brain damage. Shrinkage. Fits. The meaningless rubbish that's sold only to mess you up, like Carlsberg Special, originally brewed specifically for Winston Churchill's visit to Denmark after the war, now the tipple of choice for oblivion merchants everywhere.

Tomorrow, the Scottish Parliament will vote on party political lines and eradicate the proposed bill that would set a minimum price for alcohol in Scotland. Spurious arguments will be advanced that raising the price of a unit of rotgut cider will cause terrible damage to the economy, and won't stop folk boozing unwisely anyway. Education is all. have a wee dram. Smell the history, the geography, the culture.

I don't believe that for a moment. I am afraid that the drug dealers have once again flexed their considerable muscle and quashed the first serious attempt to tackle the shame that is Scotland's relationship with alcohol. Gutless, ignorant, hidebound politicians have cowered before them.

So. That's that, then. Might as well go out and get pished, eh? Just remember this salient fact: Two single malts: that's enough to destroy your ability to appreciate their quality. After that, you might as well switch to Old Gumripper or Glen Haemorrhage. Slainte!

The Malt and Barley Revue - excerpts now online

The Malt and Barley Revue is an hour-long combination of whisky tasting, music, poetry, comedy and plain old chat about Scotland, alcohol and the results of that potent cocktail. It's both a great night out, a chance to taste wonderful examples of Scotland's national drink, and a thought-provoking meditation on the good and bad aspects of consuming said liquid...

A couple of chunks - Iron Brew In The Soul and Whisky Roses - have been added to The Malt and Barley Revue Myspace site, for your interest, delectation and delight.

If you want to cut and paste the address, it's

http://www.myspace.com/thomasmaccalmanmorton

Radio Scotland Under the Influence season begins...

....Sunday 4th October. I'm on MacAulay and Co on Monday 5th to talk about it all, and my own two series When The Pubs Went Dry and Drinking for Scotland - the latter features some excerpts from this very blog!

http://bbc.co.uk/radioscotland

All future posts at The Beatcroft

The Beatcroft
http://beatcroft.blogspot.com

40 whiskies in a row: The good, the bad and the horrible

Now THAT was a truly bizarre, and enlightening experience.

I'd been asked ages ago to be one of the judges for the Independent Bottlers' Challenge, a competition in which the top indie bottlers of malt whisky submit their goods to be rated, blind, by a team of entirely sober people. No need for faffing about with colourful descriptions, just simple points out of ten, down to 0.1 and up to 9.9.

But I wasn't really expecting the box of 40 (yes, forty)single malt whiskies that arrived in the post at the weekend. Thirty, no less, Islay malts, the rest 'Island (non-Islay)' Miniatures, I hasten to add. But still.

How to go about it? Tempting as it was to be sociable and invite others to participate, I decided this would be a mistake. I had to go it alone and take it seriously. But how to set baseline parameters? What IS a 'ten' in whisky terms?

First of all, I decided to model my approach on that of John Ramsay, recently retired master blender for the Edrington Group. That meant no swallowing, a reduction with water (though John likes to go for 20 per cent alcohol, I prefer it marginally stronger), sniffing both without and with H2O, a spitoon, a teaspoon, tasting glass and a careful regard for colour. I also decided to tackle all 40 in one day, as I didn't trust my tastebuds to remain constant in their perceptiveness. This was all about comparisons, after all.

The bottles had numbers, not names, though alcoholic strength and age was indicated. To begin with, I went through the sniffing/tasting/sitting ritual with a bottling I have of Bruichladdich Infinity, which I both like and have suspicions of in equal measure. I made that a five, and got stuck in.

I don't want in any way to affect the outcome of the competition if other judges are reading this, so I'll restrict myself to generalities. First, considering there were 30 Islay malts, the variation, even in style, was astonishing. There were drams so heavily sherried their trademark peat was all but masked. There were mild, creamy, American-oak lightweights. There were horrible aberrations tasting of diesel or reeking of ( and I never thought I would actually say this,as I thought this was joke taste)burning tyres. The thought that somebody liked them enough to bottle them was awe-inspiring.

But there were some gems. Unexpected ones too, given the indicated ages. The truth about whisky that dare not speak its name is this: some casks are crap. Always were, always will be. Every year, aged, bad whisky that can't salvaged by decanting and ageing in different wood is recycled into the wash for re-distilling.

The question I'm asking is this: are my faculties completely awry, or are some independent bottlings so bad they ought never to have left the distillery?

And the observation I'm making is, that if I'd swallowed (even the two-teaspoon measure I was using) the alcohol would have unbalanced my opinion after maybe four whiskies, increasing affection and robbing me of objectivity. As it was, when finished, despite the inevitable absorption through the mouth, I felt as if I'd consumed maybe a pint of shandy.

End of an epic motorcycle/whisky trip around Scotland...

...and much more here. There will be magazine articles, a TV series on Single Malt TV, the release of the Journey's Blend whisky, an auction and a book. I have to say that I'm about to begin a month of sobriety as part of an impending radio series with the same name as this blog. Details to follow.




I'm in the Mcdonalds at Kirriemuir, heading north on the A90 to get the boat home tonight. And it's done! The Journey's Blend blend is complete, expertly put together by Edrington's head of all things blendiferous, John Ramsay, at the Glenturret distillery just outside Crieff. Also the site of the Famous Grouse Experience, hence the giant...bird thing.

It was absolutely brilliant watching John at work - using five whiskies collected on the trip - Highland Park, Kilchoman, Glengarioch, Bladnoch (most northerly, westerly, easterly and southerly, respectively) plus Glenturret itself, which is almost at the dead centre of Scotland. The exact proportions must remain a secret, but John, using his decades of experience, came up with a formula based on an exacting tasting of each whisky. I'll describe the process in more detail later. suffice to say that we did three variant blends, but the first was best. Brilliant, in fact.

Afterwards we repaired to the absolutely superb Barley Bree in Muthill for dinner - best of the trip, and one of the best I've ever had in Scotland). This morning, Rob Draper from Singlemalt TV carried out his final interviews (look out for two programmes on the trip soon) and we parted, Rob and his son Paul so impressed with the Barley Bree they're staying on, Ken and Rob Allanson heading for Cambridgeshire. Next year, America. Apparently.

A trip and a wee hauf...

It's all Rob Allanson's fault. He's the editor of Whisky Magazine, rides a motorbike and...well, I'll let him tell the tale.

"In June myself and BBC Scotland presenter, whisky writer and
motorbike nut Tom Morton (let's not forget he travelled to every
distillery in Scotland using an ancient sidecar outfit) are heading
out on a bit of a epic long distance whisky trip ­ entitled Journey¹s
Blend. To help out and document the trip a photographer and mechanic will complete the two wheeled entourage.
The idea will be to travel the compass points visiting the more
extreme distilleries and selecting whisky that will be shipped to the
hub of the circle to create a blended malt.

So starting at Highland Park, we head to Kilchoman, then Bladnoch and
Glen Garioch before finishing at Glenturret ­ taking about five days to do it.
At Glenturret, Edrington's master blender and whisky creator supreme
John Ramsay has agreed to pull the blend together. The result, just 50
bottles in all, which will be presented in a bespoke engraved
Glencairn Crystal bottle, will be unveiled at Whisky Live Glasgow, and
some of the proceeds will go to the Parkinson¹s Disease Society in honour of Michael Jackson."

(Tom points out, helpfully, to non-whisky connoisseurs, that this Michael Jackson is NOT the allegedly-still-living-singer, but the late and legendary whisky and beer writer.)

"Also to lend the project an air of sophistication, British bike
manufacturer Triumph has agreed to lend a couple of modern classics. I
have to say I cannot wait to ride a Bonneville. It¹s a bike I have
always wanted to ride, the essence of British motorbiking and
engineering. With its wonderful burbling exhaust note, I know it will
be hard to part with it after so many miles. Mind you the trip is also
a dream come true. ­ It's all about the bikes and whisky, both taken very responsibly, obviously."

Co-op Fairtrade Carmenere and back on the Pravastatin

...discovered, I insist, long before Victoria Moore lauded it in The Guardian. Best £4.99 buy in Brae, that's for sure.

Doesn't mix with Simvastatin, though. That's a nasty little way of lowering cholestorol! But it's ultra cheap, so expect your GP to at least get you to try it...

Crosses the blood-brain barrier, though, so it can unleash all kinds of side effects. Notably, in my case, with even a glass of wine, raging dizziness and pains in the legs.

Pravastatin, which I've been on for years, seems to be OK.

Oh, and did I mention that the 30-day teetotalism went well? Aff it for the week, again - stuff to do.

Day 31: they think it's all over...and it sort of is.

So, 30 days and 30 nights...I look slightly thinner ( a few pounds, nothing serious) slightly less puffy around the eyes. I've eaten more, drunk more tea (though less coffee) fitted an exhaust system to the Suzuki, done a little more walking and no running to speak of, written several songs, bought two guitars, sold one, bought a canoe, written several poems and knocked together the live show called 'Tom Morton's Drinking for Scotland', which has been booked for the Co-op Verb Garden at the Belladrum Festival. Oh, and set up a company to do specialised PR, designed business cards and flyers, had them printed and built a basic website. Plus a radio show, of course.

Would most of that would have happened had I been drinking? Not in 30 days...

Thing is, I'm going to have to do this again later in the year for real...sorry, for radio...och, anyway. I'll have a wee glass of wine tonight (Chilean Merlot) and see how I feel.

Meanwhile, here's a poem from Drinking for Scotland:Live -

The Nominated Driver

(A shorter version was written for Shetland Library's 'Bards in the Bogs' scheme, but the site specific nature of the poem probably told against it: it can only be displayed at the Voe toilets, an important, nay crucial staging post on the long road, the A970, between Lerwick and the North Mainland, especially if drink has been taken on board in Coalfishreek).

THE NOMINATED DRIVER

The nominated driver sits
And most deliberately shits

It's three AM, midsummer, Voe
He didn't really need to go

And this is most unsalubrious
The graffitti extremely dubious

The chauffeur needed to take a break
Though agreeing to drive was no mistake

He's never really liked the drink
With it, he finds, he just can't think

Straight, crooked, birly - any way
So sober, now, he likes to stay

And sometimes, he'll take his friends to town
And watch them pour the draught beer down

Their conversation, brilliant or slight
To him all just the purest shite

He sips his iced Coke, a dash of bitters
A cocktail found in literature

In Raymond Chandler's Marlowe thrillers
Drunk by the hero, not the killers

And not by Chandler, to tell the truth
Who died a hopeless, gibbering drouth

(A different Chandler from the one in Friends
Though they may come to similar ends)

Anyway, tonight, they went
to Posers, until the cash was spent

And now they're heading home, to Brae
Next week, though, he'll make them pay

For valeting his car, the bonnet
Even now is smeared with vomit.

And the back seat is soaked in piss
They aimed for a cider can and missed

So. In the crapper at Upper Voe
It's nearly time for him to go

They're singing Hank Williams and Steve Earle
Dreaming of missed chances with girls

They'll remember nothing of this night
The falling down, being sick, the fights

But the nominated driver will
In the toilet he's writing still

In his notebook, with great care
All sorts of things are detailed there

For staying sober there are compensations
He retains a wealth of information

All documented, filed and stored
Ready to settle any score

So never underestimate
Sobriety's capacity to hate

Always suspect that teetotal bloke
If he puts bitters in his Coke.

Teetotal day 28, verging on 29: the cost of alcohol.

Strong tea. Mug after mug today (Scottish Blend), consumed with great lip-smacking, soul-quenching relish.

Extraordinary piece in The Guardian by Chris Paling, a diary of his 30-odd days in a hospital ward specialising in alcohol-related stomach and liver complaints. Disturbing, especially as I've been daydreaming about a moderate return to imbibing come day 31, which is Tuesday.

Hmmm...perhaps not. Even with a large chunk of the family in Pisa, quaffing Frascati...

I do think the proposed 50p per unit minimum price for alcohol is absolutely justified. The argument that it somehow discriminates against 'sensible' drinkers is complete tosh. A 50 per unit bottle of wine is less than £6. It's only once wine gets above a fiver a bottle that you start paying a reasonable amount for the actual wine, as opposed to tax. Fifty pence a unit discriminates against insensible drinkers. Or to be exact, folk who use alcohol as a convenient anaesthetic/social lubricant, and don't really care about the taste.

Discrimination is the key. We should all be connoisseurs!

Day 27. An urgent need for a fried breakfast...

...to deal with the shock of having witnessed Lulu the St Bernard summarily dispatching one of the hens. Susan won't be pleased. Especially is it was one of the two chickens I couldn't persuade into the safety of the newly-built fowl stockade.

Anyway. I've done the out-with-pals-at-the-pub thing, now I have a weekend on my own just to wrap up this 30-day stint of teetotalism. Lots to do, including fitting the new exhaust for the Suzuki and writing the sequel to Serpentine. Must get on!

Day 24: not even thinking about it anymore

My first job in TV was to present a documentary about alcohol. Part of that involved attending the dissection of an alcoholic's brain, and interviewing the pathologist during and after the operation.

The alcoholic concerned was, you will be happy to know, well and truly dead, and had been for quite some time.

We watched (and filmed. On PROPER film too, none of this video rubbish)as the skull was sawn open and the brain sliced. The single most memorable fact for me was the shrinkage of the brain, a shrivelling.

Over the past 23 days, I've visualised my own sober cerebellum expanding to fill the yawning spaces inside my skull, all the time awaiting great new insights, creativity and feats of memory.

So...

Day 22: Diet coke, coffee, Shloer (grape) and honey chilli chicken chow mein...

To my favourite Chinese takeaway, just down from the awfulness that is my regular hotel in the Granite City. Secure parking and within BBC budget, though. It's either that or the Salvation Army.
In Aberdeen, still not tempted by red wine or whisky. Much.

I was amazed the old Suzuki GS1000G (American model, shaft drive, 80s muscle bike) started almost immediately after five months untouched in Stewart's garage. Not only, that, it needed nothing doing before blasting off towards Aberdeen today, fortunately in dry, if very windy weather. And that bulletproof Japanese parallel four never gave a hint of trouble. Much nicer to ride than my last bike, the much more modern BMW R1100R.

The John Gillan gig went well, I think, slightly low on numbers maybe, but a good 100 or so folk. All kudos to Funk Connection (11 of them) for donating their fee to Roxburghe House, the hospice in which John spent his last days.

It was a hard slog for me, playing across an empty dancefloor through loud foldback, plus a Phenergan and NorthLink hangover, to an invisible and largely inaudible audience. The songs are all about the lyrics, really...some nice comments afterwards, though, and it was all in a good cause.

Ridiculous £40 single for the train to Glasgow yesterday, but great to see Magnus. Out to Clydebank to get the bike, and then dinner with Mag and old pals Stewart, Maggie and Gill. F